it's done.
yesterday, barbie spent more time asleep than awake. i'm not sure if i could say she was really...
conscious in any meaningful capacity. she'd cry out every so often, in a way that sounded more like a
puppy than a dog. it was the same noises she makes in the middle of the night. we did what we could to
make her comfortable but... there's only so much you can do when your dog's body is slowly shutting
down. she continued crying throughout the night. according to dad, she got sick at least twice. he slept on
the couch to keep tabs on her.
this morning, not long before noon, we all agreed it was time. barbie wasn't going to get better. it was clear.
we said our goodbyes, and eventually, dad wrapped her up in some towels and carried her like a baby to the car.
it was the first time i'd seen him cry in 12 years. the last time was at my grandpa's funeral. even then, he had
left the room when he started crying. i think it affected my sister more than me. at least in the moment. i'm sure
the other shoe will drop for me at the worst possible time. i wish i was better at grieving.
after he came home, dad and mom made mac and cheese for us for lunch. we had frozen pizza for dinner. i hadn't really
cried since i got it out of my system. though i feel them prickling at the backs of my eyes and sinuses as i write this.
maybe this is what people meant when they said it's harder to cry on testosterone. it feels weird not having to worry
about waking her as i type. and it'll feel weird not having to worry about waking her as i take my meds before going to
sleep. and it'll feel even weirder still when i come downstairs and don't have to let her out in the morning. i've been
avoiding looking at where she was laying on her bed in the family room. that same avoidance of the truth for fear of it being
Real, i think.
i see her pillow out of the corner of my eye and the pattern recognition in my brain, still having not got the memo, says
it's barbie. but i know better. and it hurts every time. i'm going to get a tattoo of her. i kind of knew what i was going
to get right away. i've got a design drawn up and everything. my friend's recommended a local place to get it done. i've wanted to
get a tattoo for a while, and i think my parents won't give me shit for this. ha. at least some good can come of this, i guess.
it feels heavy. but currently i think i feel numb more than i feel the weight of the barbie-shaped hole in my heart. i know i'll
gain the strength to carry it eventually, but for now. i think some things will be hard.
